my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I need to calm my uterus...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
