i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My vagina is very pro this idea
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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