Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
