I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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