Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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