I could make wine with my vomit
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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