Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
