But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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