also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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