someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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