just tell him i said nine months
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
