Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
