I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
