So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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