Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
