Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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