who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
