just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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