whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
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On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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