direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
