wanna go halves on a baby?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
