my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
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