carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
