I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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