So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Found the puke drawer
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
