the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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