her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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