you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
