I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
