I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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