Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
