Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize