life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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