So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
BRING THE BAGELS
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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