i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
