I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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