Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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