he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Four minutes until I can fart!
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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