bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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