i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
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On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.