Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment