WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
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Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
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Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.