I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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