I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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