I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I believe in your delicious
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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