I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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