if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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