i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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