Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
