I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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