Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
