im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
