In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
