i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
