trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
