i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
