I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
