CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You ruined the universe
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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