my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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