rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
